My attic

I've got to put it out there.  I'm thinking that if I do then it might just make it easier for me to process.  It usually works this way for me.  When I have something I'm trying to figure out in my mind and cannot - putting things into words usually helps. 

I find it hard to believe and simply stupid that I still find myself having a hard time living in Ohio.  I feel this is my home.  I cant go so far as to say that I could ever claim to be "from Ohio" but I like living here and I know this is where my family needs to be.  I knew it was the right place for us when we moved and I am glad we are here.  I sincerely hate starting over on things and I think the issue I am having with being here is not so much that I don't like being here but that after all this time I still feel like I am still starting over. I left a lot of really good friends back in Utah who thankfully are still really good friends to me.  I came here and had to make new friends here and I have made a lot of new friends.  However, I still feel as if I am trying to find someone to be my friend - in a way - to need my friendship like I need theirs. 

Its stupid really.  I know a lot of really wonderful people here that I have a really good time with but I cant help but feel a bit lonely now and then.  I misplace this loneliness in feeling frustrated with my move - that really cant be blamed as it was over 2 yrs ago.  It just seems that everyone already has their needs filled.  I realized the other day that I am one of those people who really appreciates a good friend.  One that reciprocates simple gestures.  I feel like a better friend when I am in action.  When I can be of use to someone.  I think I just need someone to need my help or advice on something.  I go to play groups, activities and girls nights with friends here and have a really great time.  Then I go home and tend to my kids, care for my husband and manage the house.  I don't feel needed by anyone of my friends and sometimes (when I am in particularly dismal and self pitying mood) I wonder if my friendship is valued at all.  And of course in my mind I can replace "valued" with "needed" and feel its the same.  I think to myself at these times that all my friends have other friends - and since everyone one needs somebody to vent to or share things with occasionally I must not be the one they go to. 

 The hard part to process is why I am feeling this way.  Its not like I have some void in my home life that makes me feel like I need to seek outside sources of fulfillment in friendships.  I couldn't have asked for a better friend then Andrew.  I also am not complaining about the friendship I have.  I know a lot of really freakishly delightful people to spend time with.  Maybe its as simple as I wish somebody would call me up and say, "KaraLynne Ive had a bad day, do you have a moment to talk about it?"  Then I could be of a service, feel needed and not worry about overstepping some imaginary bound of propriety.

I'm trying really hard here.  I work really hard to try to get to know my friends, to try to be a good friend in return.  Sometimes though it is exhausting and I have to tell myself maybe I am still being impatient and that time is what is needed.  It feels very isolating in the meantime.

I have half a mind to not allow reader comments on this post as I'm not setting out for a pity party or advice.  I just need to clear my mind and process the results.  Typing something out and putting into cyberspace has the therapeutic effect of clearing the attics in my head.  Its almost as if its there, its been said and no matter how disconcerting and vulnerable I would normally feel stating the true feelings of my heart - I can do it without impunity here.