My Biggest Fear

According to the Internet (always a useful tool for research) people's biggest fears are first, flying, second, public speaking, third, heights, then the dark, intimacy, death (sixth?!?), etc etc. 

When I look at this list, I cant find any of them a cause for fear as far as I am concerned.  I am not afraid of flying  - just afraid of TSA people and their scary probing hands.  I am not afraid of public speaking and though I do not enjoy it, I don't have problems speaking in public.  I am not afraid of heights - I find them a little thrilling in fact.  I am not afraid of the dark - unless you count the times my husband is out of town on business and I have the entire house to myself and all of a sudden the house noises, that I am so used to, are instead probably some mean, scary, monster of a burglar - come to murder me in my sleep.  I am not afraid of intimacy (thank goodness!)  Lastly on this list, ranked sixth, is death.  Sixth?!? I can honestly say I am not afraid of death.  Would I want to die anytime soon? - no.  Would I wish for any of my relatives to die - ummmm... jk no.  But I do not fear it because I know what comes after it and the only thought that worries me about death is leaving those I love behind (hoping they do not suffer to greatly from their loss of me). 

No, I am not afraid of death.  But I can say that my biggest fear relates to number 7 on the list.  Failure.  My biggest fear is that my kids will not grow up to be good people.  That despite my efforts, they will never learn to willingly want to do the right thing.  I feel this is a legitimate fear because despite what all you mothers of older-children-who-turned-out-just-fine who like to think "he is only 7, he will turn out alright, be patient" - I have precedence on my side for my fears.  Just yesterday I blinked and my little baby in my arms (just placed there for the first time after his birth) is leaving for first grade today (and thus his first time being gone from me all day).  What is to say that tomorrow (after I blink again) he will not be 17 and heading off to his senior year?  No, my fear is legitimate.  I worry that I will never inspire him to want to be a good person. 

Now, I know that there are some of you reading this right now that are shaking your heads - itching to leave a comment on this post to say "You are doing fine!  Don't worry, you are a great parent" yada yada yada.  I am not saying I don't do somethings right - I am just worried that there are crucial times I should be doing something differently and am not.  I cant get over the fact that he has agency - and must be allowed to make his own choices in life.  I know he will make some choices that will make me sad.  I just wish it wasn't so.  Maybe that is what I am really afraid of - of the pain and worry that comes with seeing your child choose something that will not make them happy.

Phew!  (dramatic sigh)  I guess for now, all I can say is, be off little first grader.  Don't pick bad friends, don't do drugs, don't lie, steal, cheat, don't mess with the girls (they are still icky, right?), don't grow up, don't move out, don't go to college, don't ever, ever leave the protection of my side.  I'm not being unreasonable, am I?