I'm stuck. I have a real problem that I need help on. I think that I am one of those people who gives off the wrong first impressions about themselves. I've started to see a pattern in my life from it as well. I am happily blessed with the talent of humor and sarcasm. I cling to it in times of distress or discomfort. I am really insecure about myself when I meet new people because I want to make friends but think they may not want to become friends with me so the humor and sarcasm turn on full force. I can make people laugh and that puts me at ease and I am a little less inclined to think they might not want to be my friends. But usually the relationship doesn't develop past that. Occasionally I get a few people who get to know me better and see that deep down I am a very emotionally present and loving person. That there is more to me than jokes and entertainment. Those people that get to know me better have become some of my best friends and I think we both really value the relationship. But there are few friends like this. The majority of the people I know do not try to get to know me beyond the social events that put us into contact with each other.
I think because of my tendency to use humor as an emotional self defense to my awkwardness I give people the impression that there isn't much to me. That my personality isn't very deep and that maybe I am unintelligent and uninteresting beyond the entertainment value I bring. Even my own husband thought at first that he would not pursue getting to know me because he didn't think we would have anything we could talk about. He thought I was sort of one of those social blondes who did very little deep thinking or feeling. I give this impression off a lot. Thankfully he was wrong and so are a lot of people who think likewise. But here is my problem. I want to make friends and I want to be one of those people who draws people to them because you can see their beauty within. I don't want to give false first impressions with the hope of correction with further investigation. But I do not know how to act differently. I can see that maybe my humor places me on a superficial shelf but I don't know how to not use humor to express myself sometimes. I need to learn to show my personality in a way that lets people know who I really am from the beginning if at all possible.
I am a feeling, loving and unique individual who is a committed, loving and supportive friend if given the chance. I don't have a limited amount of affection to give out and can offer quality friendship to many people at once. I am good at keeping in touch with people. I'm not looking to stockpile close friends with this but I am tired of feeling like a lot of people think there is little to me. It only fuels my insecurities when meeting new people. What can I do differently to ensure a more accurate impression of myself? Please comment - and since probably my only blog fans are my close friends - you can tell me the truth and if you wish you can sign your comment anonymously.
15 years ago
11 Comments:
I think you underestimate yourself: I think that people just happen to get caught up in their lives, I know I do it all the time...when I meet people, I think: "wow! I love talking with this person" but I simply have too much on my plate. This time of our life is not ideal to make close friends unless they happen to have a lot of things in common, like kids (same number, same age), religion, hobbies (like running together...that's how I bond with people, because I am not distracted by my family and I feel like I can talk about anything). Right now, your best friends are your amazing husband and kids, and that's the way it's supposed to be. If you want to get to know people, just invite them over for dinner, FHE and they will see who you really are: an amazing wife and mother, a great listener and a fun person to be around. I personally find that the hardest thing is to keep in touch and maintain the relationships I already have. Hope that helps!
I think you're totally funny, but I think that your wit gets you friends and those friends are the kind of friends who are similar to you. You are a very caring person, but I don't think you ever give off a bad first impression. I think sometimes we're our own worst critics. You are amazing!
Karalynne, when I first met you I thought you were funny and so much fun to be around. I didn't feel put off by your behavior at all, in fact I wanted to be one of your friends. Now I don't know why we really didn't spend much close time together, maybe we just didn't have a lot in common. But I always admired (and continue to admire) you. I remember how fun you were to be around at BYU dances, I remember you making cinnamon rolls from scratch in the apartment and I remember thinking I wish I could be a little more fun-loving like you. I don't think you have anything to worry about. People just get busy. Just because you and I didn't hang out much after being roomies, didn't change that fact that I would have loved to hang out with you. I admire your desire to run in a marathon and your gardening attempts and your such an awesome mom. So I imagine there are people near you that feel the same way. Just invite them to hang out. Invite them to come sit by you in social settings. Use your kids as an excuse to hang out. I know mine help me make new friends just because they make friends with their kids. Anyone who gets to know you will love you. And you'll always have lots of friends.
I was thinking about this same situation the other day after I got home from a R.S. activity. I was feeling like it takes so long to find good friends in a new ward, easy to find nice women, but hard to find people you can be totally relaxed around. I feel like so many people would be great friends, but we don't cross paths with them all much, so I didn't even know what to ask or talk about. You have to get past those first couple discussions to know someone enough to be able to tell if you'd really want to be friends. So I agree with your first commenter- invite people over to your house. Make it big like a bbq, or small like 2 families over for dessert. Or just email all the moms in the ward and say you're going to the park on friday, anyone's welcome to join you. People are flattered by invitations. I know I am when somen says they want to get to know me better.
Don't lose hope. We need crazy sarcastic and caring people like you in our lives, just as much as the demure quiet types, just as much as the clueless loud people.
You know what I think? Jeanna and I had this discussion once when she and I realized we were hitting that same brick wall. When you project confidence and humor (sarcasim is just one flavor of humor) it gives people the impression that you have no insecurities when in fact your full of them (justified or not).
This projected confidence effectively leaves some people intimidated and therefore reserved.
I have found that the best way to get around this is to get the other person talking about themselves. Everybody believes they are interesting but also think that others may not think so. Show them that you want to get to know them. This injects a measure of confidence in them that allows you to open up more of your true self (the self you think is made up of the collection of your insecurities but is what makes you wonderful). I love you always for who you are inside, a really great friend.
Your crazy! You have a personality that can draw anyone in quickly. From someone who has known you since we were 5 ... I have seen this your whole life. You easily make friends and create an amazing ora around you. Funny, sarcastic and quick witted are the best characteristics about you!
I can relate, OH HOW I CAN RELATE. This has been one of the biggest stumbling blocks in my life. Only my sarcasm is slightly more biting than yours, so people think I am not only shallow, but also kind of mean.
Here's the deal: I've known you since you were about 6 years old, right? You have always been funny and fun to be around. You have also always been kind, sensitive, sweet, generous and full of LIFE. Your funny is seriously excellent to have around, but YOU are even better.
My advice to you, and this comes from a girl who has spent many hours crying that I can't make real friends because people don't try to get to know me at all, is that you don't ever change. Ever. You've moved around a lot, and haven't had an opportunity to make those true-blue friends in Ohio yet. Give it time. The worst thing you could possibly do is try to change how you come across, because you are so incredibly beautiful just the way you are.
And you know what? God thinks so, too. Your special talents that come from Him include a bright and engaging sense of humor. People NEED that. They need it when they're sad or when they're uncomfortable or when they're embarrassed. So maybe you aren't the one who gets drawn into the center circle of emotional girliness right away...but that's boring anyway. You'll be the one who gets called on when someone needs to be cheered up. And once that person is cheered up, they'll realize that you're the one who should have been around all along.
You're a gift, KaraLynne. You've been a gift in my life for many years, and I'm grateful for every tiny molecule of sarcasm and funny that drips out of your pores.
Kisses,
Kristie
Okay, THis is something I can kinda give advice on. I have moved every year since I was married (almost 8 years) and so I too have had to try hard to get to know people. It is so hard, and takes a lot of work, but so worth it, right? THe thing you need to remember about others is that they are different than you. The one's who seem like they "don't like you" really might like you just show it in a different way than you would or are used to. And like someone said, life is busy, some other people don't put making friends and putting energy into making friends a very high priority, so it may not be you. Again, hang out, let me them see the side of you that is comfortable at home. Also, serving others is a great way to get to know someone- this could be in so many way, like watching their children etc.
I felt like Ohio was my hardest place to find friends too. It doesn't help that winter is 9 months out of the year and those 9 months you could really use a friend!
Good luck. This is a part of who you are, work with it, don't try to change it!
Karalynne, you are not the first person to muse over these same questions. We are so much more connected in the world then we ever really realize. The first time I met you I thought "this woman is beautiful!" and then the first time I talked with you I thought, "And she's hilarious! I can barely keep up with her she's such a great converationalist." I think what I've realized over time is that it's human nature to want companionship and to want it with LOTS OF PEOPLE. But in reality, we probably only make close friends with a few people. I most definitely feel this way and I've learned to embrace it and accept it. Don't worry about what's wrong with yourself so much as continue learning how lovely you are and how often you are able to bless others with your talents and skills! You're wonderful :)
I know I'm adding this a little late, but I wanted to comment. You are a funny and exciting person to be around. We all need people like you that can make awkward experiences more comfortable.
As far as making friends go the best example I can think of Nancy Guymon. She to me epitomizes how to become a true and deep friend. I think her key is she asks questions. I remember her always sitting by someone new and just asking questions. She was always finding out about other people and who they are. Then she'd even go the extra mile to remember their name and say Hello again the next time. What made her even more amazing was she'd go an extra mile to serve and help her friends. She really is a great example to me that I follow today. Women love when other women seem genuinely interested in them.
What's funny is I think you have so many friends already so you obviously know how to make them, I guess its just having those deeper relationships with others which I think Nancy's way is the key. I struggle with this all myself. So thanks for reminding me of how to handle it - since I just moved into a new ward myself.
Your awesome and wonderful and beautiful. I love your new header picture.
I like you! I want to get to know you better! We've been meaning to invite your family over for a few months, but life happens. :( Thanks for a wake-up call that we all need to make a bigger effort!!! AND - laughter is a great tool for bonding!!!
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